Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
