Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
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FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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