I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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