We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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