you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
