Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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