Banned from zoo.
Again?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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