no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
