I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
