Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
