Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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