i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My ass is underappreciated
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
