dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
