she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
