he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
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The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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