I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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