I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
