dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
