I think i peed on brittanys purse
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
