umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
