my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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