i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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