why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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