I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
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she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
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My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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