Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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