Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
