i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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