I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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