My friends, they love my intelligence
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
