my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We need a shit load of segways right now
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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