and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
