i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
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You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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