if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
