Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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