Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
