I am puke
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
