she smelled like a LAN party
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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