my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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