in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
