Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
