I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
