laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
