I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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