i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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