I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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