Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
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I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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