Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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