I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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