Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
