I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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