Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
