I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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