I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
